Where I’m at.

The other day I read something that was along the lines of,

“Those that don’t succeed in their dreams are the ones that will no longer care in supporting  others chasing their own.

So, where am I at? I’m not talking about something all deep, like life. I’m talking about music mainly, which I guess is a nice big chunk of my life. I still don’t know what I want to do, I don’t know whats right for me. I don’t know where to go.

Whilst I want to be supportive its so hard. Scrolling through social media seeing my friends travelling, laughing in vans and loading up into these teeny tiny venues makes me mad. And I’m sorry, I’m genuinely sorry that I feel that way but It actually makes me so mad. It makes me angry. It makes me want to roll my eyes and be a total pessimist. I no longer want to support, I no longer want to care, and whilst I sound like a total asshole, imagine how thats making me feel. Knowing that I could be so cold as to think that way, especially for the people around me that I care for and love?

When people are going out and are excited about their new music, booking time off their jobs to have a bunch of fun and create something amazing, I no longer want to hear about it. I no longer get excited. And that sucks.
All I can think about is why did I have to be the person to give up so much, to take so many chances, and now I’m not going to get those opportunities because someone decided to take it away from me. Why is everyone suddenly on cloud 9 and I can no longer stomach to be kind?

My initial thoughts are that people are always going to let you down, and maybe things weren’t meant to be and its better to go it alone – but theres this excitement that I have and this rush of hearing something beautifully mastered and energetic that I find myself missing, regularly.

It’s not like I’m no longer making music or that I’ve given up and thrown the towel in, but I’m no longer doing it with people that I, at least believed to, care about me. It’s no longer a group of friends in it together. And of course I’m still mad that I didn’t get given a choice or even a chance, and I don’t think i’ll ever not be mad at that.

My plans for 2017 are to continue making, to continue being consistent, and to continue trying, even when I feel like it’s not working anymore. To be selfish and to see what I am capable of doing myself.

I’m hoping that I don’t consistently remain pessimistic, because what even is your passion if you can’t love every aspect of it, including supporting others?

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